


Unpredictable

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Feelings, Marriage Proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-21 23:52:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8264989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: "Do you think the mating bond tames after a few years Fey?"
My sister looked at me like I was crazy, "no. Rhys and I are still crazy with the mating bond," she stopped, "wait why? Did Cassian say something?"
I sighed, "no. It's just. He closed himself off a lot this past week. And I can't feel him all the time. It's like he doesn't want the connection."
The one where Nesta has finally opened up and she thinks Cassian doesn't want her anymore.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This just came to me today while listening to a song. I loved the idea.
> 
> I hope everyone loves it too. As always comments are welcome =)

"Do you think the mating bond tames after a few years Fey?"

Feyre was so wrapped up in her letter I wasn't sure she heard me. But then she stopped writing halfway through, her pointed ears sharp. I sighed as I sat beside her. She was doing high lady business and I was keeping her company. Trying, and failing, to stop thinking about Cassian.

My sister looked at me like I was crazy, "no. Rhys and I are still crazy with the mating bond," she stopped, "wait why? Did Cassian say something?"

I sighed, "no. It's just. He closed himself off a lot this past week. And I can't feel him all the time. It's like he doesn't want the connection."

I wasn't being completely honest, but for some reason I didn't want my little sister to know everything. Like how my mate fell into bed after I was asleep all five nights this week. Or that his shields were sealed so tightly I wouldn't be able to feel him if he was hurt or in need. But mostly I didn't want her to know how much this scared me. She fought for me to let him in, she fought for me to believe in a love like hers. Once I stopped fighting them I believed in the bond and everything Cassian had to offer me.

She knew how much I wanted this relationship.

Now I was terrified it was slipping through my fingers.

Feyre bit her lip. She finished her letter and then turned her full attention to me, "well I can ask Rhysand if anything is wrong. But trust me that brute loves you."

I would've scolded her, had I been less emotional. Cassian was my brute, I was allowed to call him that. No one else. But I didn't, I tried to stop the sob that built in my chest. I tried to believe the words she was saying. It was hard to believe her when she didn’t wake up without her mate every morning. It was hard to believe we were still in love when he acted as if he couldn’t be in the same room with me anymore.

A lump rose on my throat, "I just miss how it used to be. All hot and heavy all the time. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. And now I keep wondering what I did wrong. If he somehow fell out of love with me."

Tears filled my eyes as Feyre pulled me into a hug, "he loves you. I know he does. Maybe something is wrong. I'll take to Rhysand. Maybe he knows. But don't," she pulled away and pushed a strand of hair out of my face, "don't believe for one second he could ever fall out of love with you."

I nodded slowly. "Thanks Fey. I tried talking to him. But he just tells me he's fine. And I don't know who else to talk to. I mean Mor isn't mated and Elain and Lucien have been happier than ever since that day after the cauldron."

"You can always talk to me Nesta. I'll try to find out. Come have dinner with Rhysand and me tonight. I'll see if Elain can come too."

She squeezed my hand before I stood up, "okay. I should go, I don't know do something useful. Pull myself together before Cassian gets home."

We said our goodbyes quickly. I left my sisters house and went back to the one I shared with my mate. It was quiet, Cassian was out with Rhysand. I sighed, wondering what I was supposed to do until dinner. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to feel him again. So I did what I had been doing for the past week. I sent my anxiety down the bond.

He could shut me out all he wanted, but that didn't mean I'd shut him out too. He could feel me, I knew he could.

I changed into a nice dress, deciding that I would put more effort into our relationship. Five years is a long time to be with someone. But the bond meant we were to be together forever. I wasn't sure why but I was terrified he had changed his mind. Was that possible? Could he take back accepting the bond even after the food was long gone?

Tears pricked the corner of my eyes as I pulled on the dress I wore on our very first date. I knew he'd rather see me in my fighting leathers, but I didn't want to wear them tonight. I wanted to feel pretty, especially if he didn't notice me.

I curled the ends of my hair. I was all put together when I heard the front door open. Cassian stomped up the steps and barely looked at me before going to the bathroom off our room.

I stuck my lips out, wondering what I was supposed to say. I stood up and walked towards the door, "are you okay?"

He grunted as I heard the water from the shower turn on. I pulled at the bond, I tried to feel him, to understand what was wrong. But there was nothing. His shields were up and it killed me to know he didn't want me to feel him. 

In the beginning we had been hot and heavy. There were full days when we wouldn't leave the bed. Hours when we couldn't go without kissing. The bond was always alive and pulsed every second of every day. It was something I learned to embrace after the initial fear wore off.

Now I realized how I had taken it for granted. Gods why had I fought against him for so long? Why had I fought my feelings? Because of his moment right now. Because I didn't want to be rejected, to be pushed aside. I felt my walls come up, the ice wrapping around me.

I couldn't keep trying when he wasn't trying anymore. 

Steam billowed out of the bathroom as Cassian opened the door. He was halfway through pulling his shirt on when he finally looked at me, "Nesta. You look nice."

His voice faltered. His hand patted his pocket as he pushed his wet hair behind his ears. My heart pounded. I wasn't cold anymore, Cassian had melted my heart. Which meant I couldn’t sit here and pretend his demeanor didn’t bother me. Tears gathered in my eyes as the remaining moments of silence stretched on.

"Yeah Feyre invited us for dinner," I cleared my throat, "I thought I would dress up."

Cassian winced, "I thought. I don't," he shook his head, "never mind we can have dinner with Feyre. It's fine."

I walked towards him slowly. Afraid I'd startle him and he wouldn't keep talking, "I can tell her tonight doesn't work if you want. I just," I reached for his hand but he pulled away, "I wanted to spend tonight with you. My mate."

He gave me a half smile. It was something, even though he kept his hands to himself. He nodded slowly, "yeah I want to spend time with you too."

He leaned down and kissed me softly, no passion, no heat. I sighed as he pulled away, "should we head over to the house?"

I nodded, "can we fly?"

That made him smile even more. His fingers graced my cheek. His eyes burned into mine. I saw a flicker of that fire. The one that had been out of reach for so long now. The fire I thought had been turned to embers. It didn’t last long, the fire was gone before I could memorize it.

Cassian's deep voice soothed some of my heartache, "of course love."

I grabbed his hand before he could pull away, "you have to hold me close though," I said softly as his eyes softened.

"I know."

We walked down the stairs and out into the air. His arms wrapped around me tightly. I pressed a kiss against his chin, "I love you Cassian."

The wind rushed over his words. I wasn't even sure he had said them back to me.

A tear slipped down my cheek. Gods I just needed him to be honest with me. If he was over us then I could find a way to live without him. I knew it would be hard, but I wouldn't be that girl. I wouldn't let myself wallow over a guy who was no longer in love with me.

Cassian landed on the front steps, I reached up and pushed his hair out of his face, "hey. Is everything okay?"

He nodded slowly, letting my fingers trail along his jawline, "yeah. Everything is fine love," he kissed my wrist. Then stepped away.

There was a note on the door. Feyre had decided to have dinner on the roof. Cassian grabbed my waist and flew us up to the flat roof. My sister smiled when she saw us. That smile faltered when she saw Cassian let me go and walk right to the high lord.

We used to be inseparable. He used to drag me by the hand around to all his friends. He used to love making the other males aware that we were mated. Now he couldn't wait to get away from me. 

Feyre walked towards me, "hey. Everything okay?"

I wiped away a tear, "did you talk to Rhys? Does he know why Cassian is doing this?"

She nodded her head, "he said he would talk to his brother. You look beautiful Nesta."

I rolled my eyes, "I don't know why I even tried. He didn't even notice. Gods Feyre why did you let me become this girl? I'm crying over an illriyan brute who probably doesn't love me anymore. This is why I didn't want that damn mating bond. Because it's so much worse. It's so intense this fear and panic. I can't handle it."

My lungs started to collapse. I couldn't breathe as I stood there looking at my sister. She pulled me into her arms and hugged me as the panic flashed through me. I felt like I was drowning, as if the world and the darkness it housed was about to swallow me whole. I hated this feeling, I hated being scared. I hated that Cassian was the reason for my breakdown. I couldn't even feel comforted by my mate, by him taking some of it. Because he was still closed off.

"Deep breaths Nesta," Feyre said running her hand up and down my back. I tried to breathe, but nothing was working. I knew the only thing that would heal me was him.

His scent filled my nose, "Nesta. Feyre what happened? What's wrong?"

Feyre looked at my mate and shook her head. She held me tightly as I lost control of my legs and slowly fell to the floor, "she's just upset Cassian. Can't you feel her anxiety? Or her pain?"

I didn't hear his answer as the air finally made its way down my throat. I gasped for it, my body begging for oxygen. Feyre suddenly let me go. Cassian pulled me away from my sister and into his arms. He pulled me back to my feet, instincts causing me to bury my face in his chest. His scent wrapped around me. Once I was pulled back together, once I could breathe on my own, I pushed him away. 

"No. You don't get to help me," the sadness and pain disappeared as my chest went tight. The bond was demanding. It told me to make him tell me the truth. My voice got louder, "not when you're the reason I'm so upset."

"Nesta," I pushed on his chest again, Feyre walking towards Rhysand. Tears filled my eyes.

"Gods I can't believe I let you in. I can't believe I went against everything and fell in love with you. I can't believe I became a girl I don't even recognize. Crying because you aren't paying attention to me. Gods my chest feels like it's been cracked open because of this gods damned bond. I just. Stop trying to touch me!"

I pushed his hands away. It was his turn to be hurt by me. My heart was already shattering. I needed to see him feel the way I was. I needed to know he could still feel something, that he was still affected by my words.

Rhysand and Feyre stood by the table. Dinner was forgotten now that we were giving them a show.

"Nesta why are you yelling at me?" Cassian asked as we stood there staring at each other. I crossed my arms over my chest. He really couldn't see what was wrong? 

"Maybe if you pulled on the bond you'd understand. Maybe if you cared to lower your shields, or talk to me for the past week, then you would know what's wrong."

Another tear slipped down my cheek as Cassian stepped forward, "Nesta. I didn't want to worry you at the camps. It's been a hard week. I don't, please just tell me why you're upset."

I glared at him, "because you're pulling away. I'm holding on for dear life. For the first time in my entire life I have something I am terrified to lose and you're letting me go. You told me to stop bottling everything up. To stop shutting you out when I didn't know how to handle things. Well now I'm standing here screaming at you to do the same thing, Cassian. I can't --"

Emotions gathered in my throat, choking me. I looked away from him, feeling his eyes on the back of my head. A sob escaped my throat as my shoulders started to shake. I couldn't handle a broken heart, I wouldn't survive a broken soul. I didn't even know if a bond could break save for death. But if this is what it felt like I wanted it to stop. 

Cassian reached for me, but I stepped forward. I didn't want him to soothe me with his touch. Not when I was such a mess. Not when he hadn't wanted to touch me for days now. 

He sighed, "Nesta. Please look at me," I turned around and he was trying not to smile, "just talk to me love."

"Talk to you? I've been trying to talk to you for the last week! You just push me aside, tell me work is fine. You grunt responses, hell you didn't even notice that nightgown I bought for you. So just tell me if you're done with us Cassian. Because I can't keep wondering if I don't have you anymore."

Cassian's smile disappeared, "I could never be done with you, Nesta. You're my mate, my heart-"

I interrupted him with a growl. 

"If that's true then why are you so closed off! You won't look at me, let alone touch me anymore. I can't take it Cassian if you want out of this bond then tell me. Because I accepted it and you for life."

Cassian pulled at his hair, "if you would stop interrupting me, I could tell you why! Gods you make me crazy, I'm not sure why I even want to marry you some days. But I love you, and I accepted you for life too."

My heart stopped, "what?"

Cassian smiled, the heat of our argument was over. He walked towards me and this time I didn't fight him when he grabbed my hand, "Nesta I shut down because I didn't want you to know about the ring, about what I was going to surprise you with. I hate that you're hurting, that you'd ever believe I'd fall out of love with you. I just really wanted to surprise you."

Slowly he knelt down on one knee, "I had something far grander than this planned. But I can't stand being closed off from you anymore. They finished the ring today. So Nesta, will you marry me?"

Cassian pulled a black box out of his pocket. He lifted the lid and my heart stopped. It was beautiful, a silver braided band with a oval cut diamond sitting on top. It was simple and yet so beautiful. It was the perfect ring and I knew Rhysand had helped him.

More tears filled my eyes as I gasped. I couldn't help but laugh as the bond opened back up and I felt Cassian and all his love. The fear and anxiety left me, "you still want to marry me? Even after all that?"

He nodded his head, "yeah. Call me crazy but I really do."

"Yes," I whispered as he grabbed my left hand and pushed the ring onto my finger. It fit perfectly.

He smiled, "Rhysand helped me. He lent me one of Feyre's rings."

I jumped into his arms, pressing my lips to his as I heard my sister sigh with happiness. I clung to him as he kissed me, his hands buried in my hips. He hugged me tightly back, as if this last week had been hell for him too. He kissed away the tears that fell as my ring sparkled in the moonlight.

"I love you," I whispered, "I'm so sorry I doubted you."

He smiled as he pressed his forehead to mine, "I'm sorry I made you worry. I wanted it to be a surprise."

"I love it," I whispered as I looked at the vintage band that was now at home on my finger. I smiled as the braided band fit snug against my skin and I touched my left hand to his cheek. Cassian leaned into my touch.

"I had a more romantic evening planned out. Rhysand even helped me," he smiled as I kissed his nose, the bond flourishing between us, "but I guess asking you in the middle of a fight is fitting."

I closed my eyes as he held me and his scent healed every crack in my chest, my heart, and my soul, "yes. Yes it is."

We stayed wrapped up in each other for long enough that Feyre cleared her throat, "did you two still want dinner or are we eating alone tonight?"

I opened my eyes, "yes dinner," I smiled as Cassian picked me up. He kissed me again, "dinner first. Celebration later."

We sat down at the table and everything fell back together. Rhysand and Feyre celebrated with us, toasting to our engagement and that our fighting was over. I was actually impressed with how well he did in hiding the ring and his proposal.

The evening wore on and we all talked and laughed together. Cassian kept his hand on my thigh, his fingers brushing circles lightly against my thigh, soothing all my pain and anxiety. He had his arm draped around my waist. I hadn't been this happy since the bond first slipped into place. After a week of fear and numbness I was finally feeling my mate again.

Cassian told us what he had planned for his proposal. A sweet picnic down on the mountain under the stars. He told me he had this big long speech planned out about how much he loved me and how he wanted to spend eternity beside me. I told him this proposal had been a lot better.

Rhysand agreed he had been a little cheesy with the first speech. Still it was nice, hearing those words come from him lips. Words and emotions I hadn't felt from him at all this week. I told him as much now that his shields were down. I kept stroking the bond, purring into his mind with happiness.

I yawned after the third glass of wine had been poured and drank. Cassian pressed a kiss to my temple. I felt warm inside and out with him holding me, "I think it's time I take my fiancée home."

That word and his voice sent shivers down my spine.

I stood up and hugged my sister and her mate. Then Cassian wrapped his arms around me. I kissed his jaw, his chin and then finally his lips. He smiled as I pulled away.

"Fly us home, love."

And so he did.


End file.
